Pork
The McRib Is Back — Dear God, Why?!
Dec 21st
Chef Grim McReaper — creator of the McRib
Dr. Kevorkian may not be performing assisted suicides any longer, but rest assured you can still turn to Ronald McDonald for help. As the McRib sandwich returns once again (now after its third “Farewell Tour”), it’s a strange reminder that pork, bun, tangy “BBQ” sauce, pickles, and onions can go dangerously wrong. Sure you can develop hypertension, diabetes, or any other slow killer from just about any fast food chain, but McDonald’s wants to set the record straight – guns don’t kill people, McRibs kill people.
Using no doubt the cheapest finest cuts of what may have been considered pork in another life or in some perverse dimension, McDonald’s pulverizes this “meat” into an appetizing convalescent home texture, mixing in a secret blend of water, salt, dextrose, BHA and BHT, propyl gallate and citric acid to optimize shelf life flavor and to ensure that you, the consumer, enjoy a slow, painful death sometime thereafter. To rub figurative salt into the wounds (not to mention the 980mg of actual sodium), some culinary cacodemon thought pressing the porcine pulp into some form vaguely resembling ribs would add to its charm and instill some sort of subconscious association with true barbecue.
Never missing a beat, The Simpsons famously parodied the McRib with Krusty Burger releasing its own “Ribwich”:
Krusty: Listen, about the Ribwich. We won’t be making them anymore. The animal we made them from is now extinct.
Homer: The pig?
Otto: The cow?
Krusty: You’re way off. Think smaller…think more legs.
Bacon Is Sent From Heaven
Dec 2nd
Lucky Boy BLT Sandwich © Ollylain
You know, I think I could make it as a vegetarian — for a while at least. It could last a few months, hell, I might be stubborn and let the whole charade go on for a few years. But no matter how long I held out, I guarantee bacon would have something to do with my falling off the wagon.
Bacon just combines such wonderful elements — smoke, salt, fat, pork. Divine intervention had to take place somewhere in the timeline of the creation of bacon. Perhaps it was some fabled 11th Commandment that got lost along the way. “Thou shalt eat bacon” or something to that effect. For those that subscribe to a different dogma that perhaps prohibits porcine indulgences, I do sympathize. I certainly mean no disrespect, but c’mon. You mean to tell me that you wouldn’t devour a Bacon Explosion if you found out tomorrow that you had one week to live? But hey, if that’s your thing, I respect and envy your strength.
The fact is, bacon makes just about everything taste better, as the folks behind Bacon Salt set out to prove. Bacon Salt is fantastic sprinkled on eggs, french fries, popcorn, or anything your little clogged heart desires. All that sodium is likely to get you thirsty. How about a Bacon Chocolate Martini to wash it down? Making your own bacon vodka is a piece of cake.
Cake? Ah yes, the dessert world. No place for pork, right? Think again. After giggling like a schoolgirl at Boneyard Bistro upon biting into their Maple Bacon Pecan Cupcake, I’ve had bacon desserts on the brain. Apparently I wasn’t the only one. Susan Russo and NPR just yesterday put out a sinful spread of bacon gilded goodies like Chocolate-Bacon-Peanut Bark and Peanut Butter-Maple Bacon Fudge. Be careful, the beautiful pictures might even contain calories, and they could very well get you demanding bacon in every dessert. Just don’t get too crazy and start dreaming up ideas for Candied Bacon Ice Cream or anything.
Let’s not get too carried away here. We should note that bacon isn’t the healthiest item, even if it is the tastiest. As with any temptation, temperance and moderation are advised. If you feel your obsession is bordering on addiction, perhaps you might want to ration your rashers. Maybe just one package of artisan bacon delivered to your door monthly through the Bacon of the Month Club would be the best option for you?
